I had a really good conversation with a really good friend last night. It was good to catch up with them. I’m so excited to see what the Lord is going to do through them…they have so many talents and such a wonderful heart of service.
This friend is always honest with me…but always in a loving way.
It was interesting because we started talking about the way I make decisions and why it’s hard for me to be optimistic. Their conclusion was that I am very idealistic but also very much a realist and that it’s hard for me to let things happen because I’m afraid they won’t be perfect.
I asked if they had read my blog a few months ago because that is the very thing I said about myself. They hadn’t…which confirms my theory, having someone outside of myself thinking the same thing.
Let me explain further since I never did in the previous blog:
Ok, the idealistic side of me wants to believe that everything can be perfect, and I hold out for these grandiose ideas; thinking that if I just wait long enough, and believe hard enough, and try hard enough…well, I’ll have perfect love, the perfect job, my perfect place in ministry…the perfect life.
Meanwhile…there’s this battle in my head because the realist side of me knows that that is not possible. This is a fallen world, populated with billions of fallen people. So nothing is ever going to be perfect. Therefore, I’m not going to find perfect love, (outside of Christ that is) I’m not going to find a perfect job, and there’s always going to be something I’m doing wrong in ministry….so I’ll never find my “perfect” place there either.
In themselves, these views are easy to combat. If I were simply an idealist I could just go on my merry way and pretend like everything will turn out magnificently one day. The hope and excitement for that end would keep me alive.
And, if I were solely a realist, I could settle for the fact that perfection is unattainable in this life and just be content to hope for the best; taking life as it comes and goes.
The problem is…I’m not one or the other…I’m BOTH!
In my idealism, I don’t want to do anything if I don’t think I can do it well.
And in my realism I tell myself I’m not going to do it well…and therefore I end up not doing it at all.
Is this starting to make sense to anyone?
But there’s still hope for me! I’m trying to rejoice in my weaknesses and let the Lord cover over my shortcomings. I want to view the world with caution; understanding what my risks are…but take chances anyway (even if they scare me or I’m not sure if they’ll turn out right) because the fear of not living is greater than my fear of failure or my fear of inadequacy.
*** I’m glad I don’t know how many people actually read this stuff….otherwise I may not be as vulnerable all the time. ***