I have always had this desire to write songs, but lately it’s gotten out of control and more consuming than I would like to admit. The people that know me really well know that I am a writer. I’m more confident in my ability to communicate while I’m writing than any other time. But what people don’t know is that I start songs here and there…and never finish them. I just hide them away in a box or in the back of my journals so no one will find them and laugh hysterically at my feeble attempts.
Usually, when a song doesn’t work out the way I had hoped, I can talk myself out of disappointment quite easily. lately however, it’s been really hard to do that. I think it’s because I’m here working for a music ministry, surrounded by people younger than I am who do incredible things with their talents. And I keep getting more and more frustrated with myself because all I know how to do is sing other people’s songs.
And I guess I’m trying to impress people. I want them to think the ministry made a good choice by giving me the opportunities they give me. But the truth is…there are a million other people who could offer this ministry much more than I do. That’s a very humbling reality to be honest.
I was driving to the airport last week (which is a 2.5 hour drive) and I was thinking, (in my selfishness)”Lord, what am I here for? What am I made for? What did you create me to do?” The response that I got was very familiar yet broke me all the same.
For ME. You are here for ME. You were created for ME. It’s not about you Gretchen. It’s about ME.
It was one of those things that I have always known but when the Creator of the Universe…Savior of the World…speaks that to my heart (even though He has a million times before) I fall apart. And I grieve inside over the fact that I would even have to ask that question.
So here’s my conclusion: I’m done trying to write songs and being angry with myself for not being able to play an instrument as well as everyone around me. I don’t want to miss being what the LORD created me to be because I’m too busy trying to make myself something I’m not. Maybe one day I’ll write a song; one that will make people feel the way I feel when I hear their songs. And maybe one day I’ll be able to play the guitar like Amanda Gonzales. But today I want to focus on being faithful with the things the LORD has given me for this moment.