Now that Full Time is officially over for me (though I’m moving into the summer program now) I’ve been trying my hardest to process all the things that have happened this year. This has probably been the hardest 2 weeks of my life. I hate knowing that I will never have the same experience again. Not with the same people, not in the same places, not doing the same concerts. I might have similar experiences, but it will never be the same as it was with CTI team 14:22.
I was looking back on my journal entries from right before I started the program, and all the way through the end, and I saw the same prayer over and over: More of You and less of me. Empty me. Rid me of selfishness. I knew all along that that was a dangerous prayer to pray, but I did it and I believe the Lord honored that prayer. I think there have been little ways He’s done that throughout my tours this year, but I think this week in particular, He’s showing me what I’m really asking of Him; the reality of that prayer I guess. All the sudden I feel completely invisible. No one sees me anymore. It’s like I don’t exist at all. Even my team members pass me by like they never knew me. It hurts…a lot. I’m seeing that in order for me to be rid of selfishness and emptied of myself, I have to understand how insignificant I am in this life. I have to be reminded that there is a cost to following Christ; there’s a dying of self. When someone dies on this earth, they eventually fade from our lives and we move on. If I’m really going to die to myself and live for Christ, then I will fade away. I will fade into the background until I’m completely invisible.
I am in no way necessary to the living of other people. There are a billion people in the world who can do the exact same things I can do and invest in people the same ways I can…and they can do it a million times better I’m sure. So whether I’m here or not God will still move in people’s lives. He will still soften the hardesst of hearts. He will still mend broken people and pursue the ones He loves.
I know, this is all very dismal and sounds pretty depressing, and it would be if it stopped there, but it doesn’t stop there! The joy is that God chooses to use me (to use us) even though it’s totally unnecessary. He chooses to use me in all my weaknesses and inadequacies so that I will see Him and realize He’s working in me. So that I can be part of what He’s already doing. So that He can prove his love for me.
It’s crazy because the very thing I asked for in the beginning of the year (to be made less so that He could be made more in my life) is the very thing that happened. I just didn’t realize it would be so painful. I didn’t realize there was so much pride in me that would fight this. My spirit wants Christ to be known, but my flesh wants me to be known. But it’s a battle definitely worth fighting, because one day I will live no more, and NO ONE will remember my name. Will I choose to sow into the work God is already doing and allow myself to be a “good and faithful servant” or will I try with everything I am to leave a “Gretch-Mark” that will certainly fade away? I want to choose the former. Besides, any mark that I might make on this world would be dust in light of His glory. Dust isn’t even worth looking at, but His glory…now that’s worth dying for.