I learned something today, and that is: sometimes what’s in ones imagination is more beautiful than what is real.
Some of you know this, and some of you do not but, I have never met my birth father. Well, I mean…he was there when I was born and he was there for the first 2 years of my life, but can that really count? I don’t remember any of that so…I’m gonna say it doesn’t.
I wish I could say my father taught me what a man is supposed to be. Instead he showed me only that people leave.
For the past several years I have had it in my head that perhaps Rick (that’s my father) was walking around with a burden of remorse. Maybe he thinks about whether I’m alive, or where I am, or what kind of person I’ve become. Perhaps he wishes he never walked away. I mean, it’s one thing to get divorced but it’s another to say you never want to see your daughter again. Especially since I was TWO! Come on, how does a father walk away from his toddler? And, let’s face it, I was probably EXCEDINGLY cute!
Anyway, lately I’ve been thinking maybe I should try and find him. Maybe I could just meet him and tell him that I’m not angry at him. Maybe if he could just see me and know that my life has been incredible…he could move into some sort of closure or relief. And what if I still have a grandma or grandpa out there? Wouldn’t they like to know me, or at least know that I grew up and am fine? If I were a grandparent I would be heartbroken to never know my grandkids.
If I were younger I would have wanted to rub my life in Rick’s face. I have a very strong and incredible mother, and the Lord blessed me with a fantastic step-father, which led to one amazing family. None of that would have come to pass if Rick were around. And…I think, because my father left, I have seen and fallen in love with God’s Father-heart. I know Him in a way I may not have if circumstances were different. I have traveled all over the world. I do the things everyone says I can’t. I feel like, I’m a cool person to know (on some level at least). But he hasn’t been part of any of that.
Nonetheless, now that I’m older, I wouldn’t do that to Rick if I met him. I would simply tell him I forgive him, that I’m happy, and I hope he is too.
That was a scenario I honestly thought might happen sometime in my lifetime…until today. Today I found out that Rick showed up at my moms work 2 years after their departure of ways. He wanted to know if she still wanted him. She said that she did not. As he left she called after him, “Gretchen’s fine by the way”. His response was, “Oh….yyeah”. and then he left, never to be seen or heard from again. My mom said that all his family had my mom’s contact information and her family’s contact information, and she didn’t hear from one person one time all these years. That hurts me. Rick was RIGHT THERE! He could have easily asked my mom how I was or if he could see me sometime. But he just walked away. He walked…away. That answers my questions on whether or not he’d like to see me, or if he even wonders about me. Pretty sure he doesn’t. So this will end my entertaining ideas of meeting him one day.
I’m not mad. Really I’m not. Just sad. Just disappointed. Just realizing that this must be the reason I have such a low expectation of men. I always assume they will eventually leave . I’m deathly afraid I’ll fall in love with, marry a guy….then he’ll tire and leave me without a second thought.
How’s that for vulnerable blogging?