Since 2004 my life has consisted mainly of Travel and conversation. For whatever reason no matter where I am, conversation inevitably becomes about my having CF (Cystic Fibrosis).
It’s not at all surprising to me, though draining sometimes, I know it’s only because people are genuinely interested, and because they care about me, and because they are curious.
I figured I might be able to save some time and just write a blog about it. Besides, I’m about to embark on another full year of travel and conversation, so I’ve asked that the Lord confirm in me what my heart is concerning my having CF, so that when things come up, I’ll know how to answer respectfully. The thing that’s been coming up a lot lately is healing. I know I’ve written about healing before but this is how it pertains to me personally.
My entire life people have been telling me I need to be healed, and that I should always pray toward that. Never once though, has that been my idea or on my heart. I only ever start wrestling with it when people bring it up and tell me how things “should” be. To put it more simply: my healing has never been at the top of my prayer list. I just don’t think about it.
The thing is, I don’t want to get caught up with my attention on anything but the Lord. I just want to live this life He’s given me…to the fullest. I’ve always felt like having this disease teaches me to trust, teaches me faithfulness, teaches me how to suffer with joy. That it’s more of a gift and less of a curse.
If I realize what it’s like to really breathe, but lose sight of what it’s like to really love Him and rely on Him…it’s not worth it at all. I don’t want it. I feel like if I ask him to take this away it would be like saying it was never worth having it and that I don’t want to be part of it anymore. But… it has always been worth it.
Yes it’s hard; yes it’s painful; yes it’s scary; yes it would be a billion times easier to live w/o it. Still, why on earth would I ask Him to remove me from something that causes me to love Him more?
That being said, He knows me. He knows the plans He has for me, and He has full authority over my life; full reign in me. So regardless of what I want, I know He’ll do what’s best for me. And that is why I trust Him. That is why I love Him so.